I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok