My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Hey i am sexy to you now
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.