i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
You Might Also Like
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
A French press is when you hug naked
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.