Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Saturday
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.