Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.