Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is