When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Come back with a warrant
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”