I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.