I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk