If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
You Might Also Like
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
This is why I hate group projects
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
so, is there a mister shapen head
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs