*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’m calling the cops.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.