Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’m not proud
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Tier 3 meme
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.