[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.