My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?