[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
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Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.