“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
You Might Also Like
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
It’s the weekend y’all
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.