My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
That 👊
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
🤣🤣💀
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT