Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Important reminders
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards