me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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how do lawyers not cry when arguing
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m not stressed
😂😂
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day