[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My flabber has been gasted.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
WHY?!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed