My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”