Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.