My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho