Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me