Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
This is painfully accurate 😅
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
May never get over this
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Science memes
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle