Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go