* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
a fate I wish upon no one
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.