By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Free him
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.