If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.