I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.