Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?