I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Lube but for my dry humor.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.