And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
You Might Also Like
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
ME: Gosh it鈥檚 murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they鈥檙e onto me.
That鈥檚 easy for you to say
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it鈥檚 fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can鈥檛 see the words behind it
WORD: 馃檨
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 馃檪
ME: it鈥檚 still there
WORD: which was your favorite 馃槓
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Mom: Where鈥檚 your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
colleges: i鈥檓 going to put you in so much debt you can鈥檛 even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won鈥檛 donate to our alumni fund
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That鈥檚 just peanut butter m&m鈥檚 and some ibuprofen.
Me: It鈥檚 homemade.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
good work, everybody