Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You Might Also Like
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[Creation]
God: âGive them hair up their noseâ
Angel: âHair? But why?â
God: âTo catch their snotâ
Angel: âSnot?â
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell âscherenschnitteâ.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when Iâm at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers Iâm the funnier one in the relationship
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Introverted vegans go meetless
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if itâs stupid enough
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Very good! đđ
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR âLIKESâ FROM MY SELFIE
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like âYou have great substantive legal skills, but you donât come into the office enough and you donât attend social events and you donât regularly answer emails on weekends.â Yes, precisely.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap