Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
X-tra spooky blend
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Meow?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this