dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.