Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?