Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming