Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
This is why I hate group projects
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you