I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
crazy
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me