*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me as a therapist: omg same
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?