When you don’t understand how floors work
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Salad is the decaf of food.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?