I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank