If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
It’s a gift
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course