Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
umm…
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*