Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.