Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Knock Knock
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
And that about sums it up.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.