The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.