[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’d love this…lol
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind