“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Banana is the quietest snack
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
PARKOUR
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*